Tuesday, May 8, 2012

why i chose to draw with pens


on a supposed to be busy monday, i saw myself just staring blankly at my desk. i hear my phone endlessly ringing, people chattering, and my email profusely alarming.

its a bit odd for someone as visual as me to actually notice these. so i tried plunging on the difference. i  put my headset and played a cynthia alexander album on.

comfort in your strangeness. perfect!

***


i randomly reached a pen and started scribbling. funny how the lines and strokes fell on their places. how it decides its own length, how it figure out where to curve and how it weaved itself with the rest of the other lines.

eventually, the randomness turned its back from absence.

***

who can tell if they were really supposed to be there? who can say if they should be thin or thick? black or of a different color? or if its good or bad.

"why don't you use a pencil?" a friend wondered while he was staring at how i drew one boring afternoon.

"i guess, i am just more comfortable using pens," i answered.

"e, what if you made a mistake?"

"then i own it."

he startled.

"you take the mistake and make something out of it, that is the beauty of being imperfect. you just have to be brave enough not to hesitate because the moment you do, you will never know what is up ahead. and i guess, in this life, regret is the only thing worst than being selfish."

***
and for that, thank you for making me draw again.



Monday, March 19, 2012

compilations: 15 gloomiest entries

15. on thinking and moving (please click the title for the actual post)

solitary, color pen and paper
02/08/08

the face that i wore for each day i struggled to see you--- i never lose myself to desperation.


"freedom"
ink & paper
012308

sa alaala,
doon ka nagsimula

isang buwan, isang linggo
at tatlong araw
ang gunita mo'y patuloy na umaalingangaw


"in the eyes of a stalker"
ms paint
12/18/2006

moving on is not a matter of forgetting, rather its the process of coming up with simple acceptance and empty memories.

caution
ink and paper
september 2009

they talked a lot of things along the way, probably the lengthiest conversation they had for the day. they talked about work, family, taking responsibilities and materializing dreams. for a moment, K felt that they are no longer kids anymore. but what made him moved was the fact that they never really talked about the past, their experiences before, or what was between them--- exactly a decade ago, on one of those humid summer nights, when their raging confusions rushed and engulfed them.

if K can only wish life to be seen in both perspectives just like in the movies.

K bet it will make living a little less complicated.

if only...

chasing time
ink and paper
october 2009

it was that night ,
when i thought that the silence between us will be clearer
but when you stood up from bed the next day,
without looking back,
i then realized that it was still a dream that i kept on believing at


outside this building
ink and paper
05/24/2009

minsan, hindi mahalaga kung sino ang taong nananakit sa atin, ang mas importante ay kung bakit natin hinahayaang masaktan tayo.


latak
paper and color pencil
041408

sometimes, even the stars in a clear moonless night is not enough to cradle you to sleep. neither a kiss nor a hug would assure you of tomorrow. for even the most genuine romance falls short to spell out certainty.




paglalakbay
(the journey)
ink & paper
111808

we hammer promises with our imperfections, we break them into pieces because of our shortcomings. but at the end, its our own guilt that eats us.




"blue and happy"
oil on canvas with etching
16"x24"
june 20, 2007

minsan tuloy naisip ko, sa ganitong buhay hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mas dapat, ang maging malandi pero panandalian o maging matino pero iniiwan?


"been there, done that"
8"x 11.5"
crayon etching
january 15, 2008

probably, this what makes it special. what makes everything unpredictable, a treasure. and why most people are also scared to take the risk. for its strips you off of all your hesitations to a point where you feel you're already bare and vulnerable. then you tend to cover yourself with what have been its remains. endlessly thinking that either you're giving in to much or you're offering nothing at all. but at the end of it, its funny for we still are hopefuls.


" fantasya"
ms paint
010207
last night i dreamed of you--- again

then i suddenly realized that

you will always be the memory

that i will perpetually fall in love with...

until the day the apparition of the prophecy

stands in front of me.

at the end, ink & paper, february 2008

no one really said that being young assures us of not getting hurt. in fact, it is actually on that condition that leave us most vulnerable. hence, never be scared of falling because it is on that dive where the real life starts.


ugnayan
(relation)
etching
09/15/2008
never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.


underneath the bed
ink and paper
06/28/2009

never stay in a relationship only because of time, memories, assurance nor of promises. stay because of no other reason rather than you want to, or better yet, you need to; for the feeling of staying and growing with that person is really what that counts.

for those who have hold their silence forever
ink and paper
01/07
its funny how the place reminded me of J so much. though i dont remember us being here before. the place was deserted. there were a pair of bowing angels made in cold concrete, tainted broken glass panes, and an empty bench under a weeping tree.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

change

i feel guilty whenever i visit my blog and recall all the memories i used to write in it.

i feel guilty because its not as active as it was before.

i feel sad for my recent entries for they seemed forced.

just to have something to post.

i feel sad when i write something in it just because i feel down.

funny, how change makes you realize how you are so not ready for it, after crying so long for it to happen before.

well i guess, now, i have more reasons to write again--- to write for this change, and the change to change this change.

*now, feeling better.