the condition

finally, i opened my eyes and saw myself catching my breathe and just staring at Js face in that distance for the first time.

in my head, i could taste those rotund sweat running across that warm face as if its steaming the sweetest melon drops. hoping, i could also savor them as it reached Js inviting lips. but i realized, it was already too much if i am going to do that. besides, we could no longer deny to ourselves that we were both selfishly satiated that night.

J was one of my early seatmates, whom i had a great crush before. but never had the courage to tell it. although, we were just sitting beside each other, we rarely talk. we found it very hard to strike a conversation, that probably made everything more interesting for me. never thought that silence could be that very sexy.

until one boring afternoon, J finally broke our distance. J came from nowhere, held my hand and placed it on the middle of those firm thighs as i gently gasped for my breathe. i looked at J, asking for reasons. thinking this could be just a dream, an unconscious impulse drawn out from my own desire. but J didn't look back, instead a soft smile was drawn from the side of Js lips, that confirmed that it was really happening.

eventually we found ourselves inside a narrow room, that was filled with this undescribable scent. close to a concoction of dry sweat and perishing desires of previous tenants who shared the same space. if only i could only read their stories behind these walls. and how the room is writing ours.

source

J stood infront of me and held my head close. i could feel both of our bodies flaring with intolerable warmth until the moon decided to hide behind the passing clouds. while the stars briefly shut their eyes. innocence and realization clashed.

after everything returned. J stood from the bed, went to the corner and gathered the past on the floor. while i stood up from my back and asked the night, if this will happen again?

then J looked back at me and smiled while closing the first buttons of Js already dulled uniform. this sealed our sole silent agreement.

days and nights passed, and life went through as if nothing really happened. we were still seatmates and hosts to each other, whenever the urge came knocking inside our crotches. we did it almost everywhere. most of the time, in the most unconventional places or wherever our drives would kick in.

until finally, i found myself slowly falling for J. i sent J messages almost every nights, thinking that probably will be atleast friends or hopefully even more. but J never really replied back. J changed numbers through numbers but would text me eventually to inform me about the new one. and this would read to me as let's meet, i am horny.

as if we made a great leap from being regular seatmates to just fubus, that we have already surrendered our only ticket in becoming friends or lovers for that matter.

at the time when our silence was already driving me nuts, i decided to confront J after painting our own night again. i finally confessed what i really felt. how i wanted to start from scratch again and take the path we never took. hoping that we might be heading to a better journey. but i guess it was already too late.

we never saw each other again.

J was my first. and evertime i recall what J was to me, it reminds me of how life is indeed full of conditions. and sometimes the hardest conditions are those that are unexpected and unsaid.

in our case, i could have sex with J until my desires bloat. but i lost the word fantasy along the way. i can love J everytime we do it. but J can never feel the same way as i do. and these were the conditions i actually missed out.

what makes conditions hard is proportional to what you have to sacrifice. but how come when you love, these conditions don't necessarily apply to both parties? how its easier for one and difficult for another? and how come the sacrifices actually differ.

then i have realized, perhaps we can never really have everything that we want. thus, we are expected to do the best decision among all the options we have.

a tribute to friendship: one of the reasons why i love my college days part 2

"o bangon na, magnenevada daw tayo. pahiram ulit ng tshirt mo. hindi ako nakapagdala ng damit eh."

"puta ka! hindi mo pa nga nababalik yung mga pants ko."

she had this beautiful sets of long, colorful and wavy pants, about a three inches below the knees, that i love to wear to school. i never returned a single pair back. but i still keep all of them with me until now.

as cheesy as it may sound, we found another family in our friendship, that made our college days and nights more fruitful and worth recalling. i believe that its something not every college graduate is blessed.

even after we graduated, we have constant communication with each other. we would surprised each other with unexpected visits, eventhough some of us are back in our own provinces. catching what happened to our careers, lovelives and yes, even our sexlives.

until one day, she called for a meet up.

"talaga?! congrats!" S shouted with full astonishment.

"where?" i excitedly asked.

"in london. i just received the letter yesterday. the scholarship will cover everything for my masterals, except for the lodging, ofcourse. if i'll be able to finish all the requirements before the month ends. then perhaps i'll be leaving next month na."

then the realization dropped on us like heavy chunks of ice. we were happy that she had such opportunity abroad, but sad because someone has to leave again. its just hard to live in a country where citizens are their major exports, as if the state thinks that their people don't have friends, families or just simply apathetic.

a year swiftly passed by, but we heard nothing from her. she didn't leave us her numbers, never replied to our messages nor contacted us through friendster or facebook. we missed her and at the same kinda woried. but we have high hopes that she'll be able to tumble down any obstacles she may encounter in london. until i received an contact invitation in my facebook yesterday. it was her.

i immediately accepted her invitation and went to her page. left a message there saying, HUY! PUTANGINA KA! MUSTA KA NA, HAYUP KA! MISS NA MISS NA KITA! I LOVE YOU!

our sociology professor once told us, you can only and truly curse the people you love, that is why we learn to address each other with profanity.

it didn't take long when she replied back. we shifted in using IM. i could feel that there was something different based from the tone of her messages. she was not as perky as she used to, as if she was not that excited as i was. and most of all, she didn't curse back. until she finally admitted she is already in the country since last december, that she is now renting a condominium in qc, with her family. but what surprised me the most was when she said, "magkaka-inanaanak ka na ulit next year."

"what?! are you pregnant?"

"ay hindi, sa kuya ko close kayo nun di ba?! malamang sa akin. 5 months na."

"sinong ama? oh no, don't me tell me taga-london yan."

"hindi, sira. tinatanong pa ba yan?"

"oh no, si M?!"

"andami mo namang oh no... OH YES, si M nga."

"che! hahaha! hah? e di ba may nabuntis din siya dati?"

"oo. pero hindi sila magkasama. and he doesn't know."

"wait lang ha. medyo sumakit ang gspot ko sa iyo. bakit?"

"saka na. i've decided to tell him kapag nalabas ko na para isang paliwanagan na lang."

i was speechless after reading that line. i knew that shes strong, like she has always been. but in a strange way, she made me feel that she needs me, she needs us.

"whatever happens, or if you need anything, never hesitate to contact me ha. kahit ama para sa magiging anak mo, pwede ako."

she laughed.

"hey. seryoso ako," a long pause.

"salamat."

i could picture her crying.

we're both crying.

a tribute to friendship: one of the reasons why i love my college days

it was hard not to notice her for she towered most of the girls in the assembly ground that day. though she was silent, there was something in her that makes her mysterious and very appealing. she was definitely the safest choice, if people decided to ask that stupid question, "who is your crush in the block," which i think is every acquitance bonding's favorite.

as expected, the question was then raised during our first block inuman. but in my surprise, among all the boys in the block, she actually chose me. but took the shot straight when she was asked why. perhaps thats where all the ackwardness between us began.

for more than a semester, she was nothing to me but a blockmate. a classmate who i always saw in all of my classes. a fellow student who i nodded whenever we passed each other in the lobby. nothing more, nothing less.

but when we reached our sophomore years, where we were asked to choose what major we are pursuing, i was actually surprised to see her in my first social anthropology class. for i really thought she would take economics since she was one of those who excelled in math.

we were only 7 students in our block, in that program. probably because those who took economics had better foresights of whats ahead of them compare to ours. nonetheless, this gave us opportunities to know each other more. we decided to take the same subjects for each semesters, exchanged notes, held weekly inumans and even do each others' projects and papers. until we just realized were already living under the same house, her house.

eventually, i learned that she was actually not that silent at all. that she is an open book for those who are brave enough to ask her but ofcourse, worthy of it. that despite her intimidating beauty, built and personality, she was just a simple girl but with a very welcoming heart. thus, we instantly become good or better yet, the best of friends.

"isn't that, you had a crush on me when we were in first year." i asked her one chilly night while we were under the same blanket, sharing a single sized bed together with a couple of our close friends (which we seldom did before and i miss a lot).

she laughed and said, "yes, i did. and i repeat, i did."

"bakit hindi na?"

"because i realized you are that kind of friend, that is too precious to be risked and lost."

i was speechless. it was one of the sweetest thing i've heard from someone up to the present. i never felt so much appreciated.

whenever allowance were delayed and we have nothing, not even a faded cent, she was always there to help, eventhough she too was just depending with her groceries.

for days, we will stay in her place, collect what was left from us, if any. then buy and allocate food. we would feast with pancit canton (the official college student stable food), eggs (which we experted all the ways of cooking it), cold rice poured with toyo and oil everyday, until all of us were financially stable. there were even times when we would finish each meals without drinking.

but the memories worth really remembering were the times whenever one of us needed someone to lean on and talk to, we would meet in her place and drew good things out from it. i believe that i would never be the same person if not of those talks.

you see, studying in a place, where you are hundreds of miles away from your family, is not as easy as it may seems, especially in your first years. yes, its great because of independence. you can do whatever you want with limited PARENTAL supervision. but there were times, most of the time, when we would just catch ourselves crippling because of homesickness and depression without anyone beside us. and the chilly and gloomy weather of the city worsen it all.

"hey whats the matter?"

"nothing," then she immediately hid something under her pillow and wiped her eyes dry.

"cmon, spill."

"nothing."

then i would grab her neck until she confess. you see she has a large funny bone in that area, that i could easily bring her down to the floor, helplessly, by just placing my hands between her neck and shoulder.

"oooo-kkk-a-yyy, ee-rriikk! i give up."

"alright, i am listening."

"its M (her jawy boyfriend), i think he is seeing someone else in manila."

"din't we just talk about it the last time? are we suppose to remind you of what we told you?"

"thats why i don't want to bring it up."

"can you blame me (us), if we always see you that way?"

"just let me be."

"and what? to see you just like her?" i pointed the tv, which had kris aquino in the national news crying.

"you're a million times of what he has you in him and you know this for a fact. and if all hopes, including boys failed you, always remember that i'll always be here for you."

then she smiled. we both smiled.

to be continued...